…or stuff other than writing.
Fifty Things About Me That Are Not True
Do not believe the following:
- I play the trombone rather well.
- I once found a silver penny in the bottom of a can of Coke.
- I was born a redhead.
- Left turns make me feel queasy.
- If I am ever given a million dollars (or local currency equivalent), I’m going to spend it all on something sensible. Like plants.
- My twin sister has six fingers on her left hand.
- My nose was accidentally pierced when I was fourteen years old when a pine tree in our front yard froze in a sudden cold snap one winter and burst from the pressure. A splinter came flying and stuck in my nose. I wanted to put a stud in and keep the piercing, but my mom wouldn’t let me.
- I wouldn’t know the first thing about dropping Porche engines into Volkswagens.
- The three years I spent in Provincal France warped me.
- When two guys suddenly proposed marriage to me within ten hours of each other, I did’t have the heart to tell either one of them “no”.
- The one and only time I rode the subway in Japan, I ended up with my hand in a rather compromising position up against a rather distinguished businessman. To my relief, he had no reaction.
- The second time I was on the Price is Right, I missed out on winning a new car by two numbers.
- The first time I was off by three.
- My Mondo collection is complete.
- Last time I danced in a ballet production, my corp told me to break a leg. I’m sure they didn’t mean it literally.
- When the nurse put the cast on, she put it on the correct leg, but when the doctor came in to give me a perscription for pain relief, he had a few minutes’ panic, for he thought she’d done up the wrong leg.
- Two weeks later I twisted my ankle when my crutches slipped and I fell.
- I once owned a horse named Star.
- Star was a bad-tempered brute.
- I’ve never entered a piano performance competition in which I have not won third place. (Odd, huh?)
- When I was young, I wanted to donate my body to science.
- When I was a little bit older, I wanted to study the science that people donated bodies to.
- I won first place in the State Spelling Bee when in fifth grade.
- Roast chicken makes me break out in hives.
- If I stare at blinking Christmas tree lights for more than five minutes, my eyelids will blink in time.
- In 1997 I accidentally swallowed a four thousand dollar diamond.
- Delivery men once delivered a grand piano to my place by accident. I called the store to inform them of the mistake, and they said they’d rectify the situation, but nobody ever showed up to pick up the piano.
- I was once offered a two-year full scholarship if I majored in psychology. I turned it down, of course.
- I have a scar on my cheek where a snapped violin string hit me.
- I’d say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but there’s no grass over there.
- I make more money in a year selling little yellow signs that say “Baby Is Bored” on eBay than I do selling fiction, but not as much as I make selling non-fiction.
- Last year was the first year that my writing income made a difference in the amount of Income Tax I paid.
- I am obsessed with collecting antique wooden chairs.
- When I opened the case of a friend’s non-working computer I discovered that the reason it wasn’t working was because a hornet had started a nest there.
- Orange is my favourite colour.
- My first car accident involved a rather large kangaroo.
- Someone once left AU$102.55 on the front seat of my car in the parking lot of the supermarket one day. (I’d left my window open a crack to let the hot air out). They were all five-cent pieces.
- My dentist has a scar on his forehead where he received five stitches after being hit in the head by the overhead light that I had kicked in my sudden shock of his cleaning pick digging into my gums after a mouse ran up his pants leg.
- Mr Spock gave me nightmares as a child.
- I am allergic to chocolate-chip cookies.
- I am easily hypnotised by the flame of a candle, but you’ve gotta have two candles or it won’t work.
- I still have a piece of glass embedded in my right foot after karate-kicking a childhood bully through a glass door.
- I started an ebusiness in 1997. Someone made an offer of $50,000 to buy it from me in 2000. I took the offer, despite everyone’s advice not to. A year later, the business crashed. Who’s laughing now?
- Coq au vin is a house specialty.
- I helped develop the source code for an obscure little music program called Score Helper.
- One of my stranger quirks is a phobia against spending any money due me from the trust fund. I can only spend money I’ve earned myself. Shame, really. It’s worth over 2.6 million.
- During the 1995 expansion of the Marriott Library at the University of Utah I secretly placed three-months’ worth of hair from my hairbrush into a concrete wall so that a part of me could remain there forever.
- Gilbert & Sullivan owe me royalties.
- I own two dozen drink bottles won through various contest.
- My sewing tape measure is a vintage model from when they first introduced the Metric System to the United States. I’m sure it’s considered a collector’s item, for the metric measurements are incorrect.
- As a child, it was a dream of mine that, when I grew up, I would move to Australia and become the matriarch of an obscure Manx tribe.
And that’s not the truth!